The Real You/Me/Everyone

Did you ever think that maybe you're not the person who people think you are?

And what I mean is: have you ever had the feeling that deep down inside you there's this really amazing, special, unique person, waiting to break out, that no one can see or appreciate, but that you just know is there, and someday will explode out of you and startle the world?

Just kidding. If you do feel this way, than you must invariably be even shallower and less interesting than the shallow and uninteresting person you imagine to be your outside representation; you must know that you will NEVER blossom, emerge, or otherwise metamorphose into something at all beyond ordinary, that you're doomed to lead a middling existence of routine waking and sleeping and pleasured electric tooth-brushing, that nothing will radiate from your soul except your own weakness and I will feel nothing but a bleak amusement for your hopeless realization that nobody invited you to their birthday parties or sent you a valentine comprised of disgusting chemical candied cherubim, whose brittle wings will allow them to achieve low-ceilinged heights that, while pathetic in reference to most lower-form angels and forthright human beings, even you will never reach.

Look, I know I'm being a little harsh here, but it's out of love--an ever-brimming VAT of love that seeps out of every pore of my chiseled body, which is why when I sweat during my numerous athletic competitions I smell like the sweetest blossom of a deep Sumatran jungle. The fact of the matter is, it's so easy to feel like there's something yet to happen; that deep inside there's something unbelievable, and man, you may judge me now but one day you'll WISH that you had stopped to shake my hand and tell me, in essence, that my work has been the large corner piece of the jigsaw puzzle of your life, the keystone that gave you the order and guidance you needed to put the rest of the pieces together.

And when a relationship is involved-whoa, SHIT, do you want this to be true. Because no matter what kind of awful failures might ripple through a relationship, I know that I can always count on my future success to reach back through time and retroactively justify any present abominations I may perpetuate as part of a path that must necessarily be traveled, as part of a character that, while reprehensible when viewed at certain moments, as a whole is nothing less than heroic and will inevitably lead me to a never-ending wealth of greatness. See? Why have a single layer of bullshit, or even a cube or sphere of bullshit, when you can have a modular form comprised of bullshit, existing in four-dimensional hyperbolic space? My bullshit can time-travel. My bullshit can defy the theory of relativity. Can yours?

Why I bring all this up, is because it is my initial response to the ten great dating suggestions that the MSN homepage has offered me, reminding me that even a goddamn computer can fuck better than I can-its wiry electrical tendrils and pulsating cyber nodes caressing its partner's gigabreasts with a sensitivity my ten clumsy fingers could never dream of; its melodious binary codes uttering a hypnotic poetry my slobbering mouth could never speak. These dating possibilities are encouraged to allow the participants to REALLY get to know each other, which is something I always thought to be contrary to the purpose of dating, which is to allow someone to view you as the person THEY WANT YOU TO BE, while the real you crouches silently in the wings, waiting for the right moment to emerge and be tragically misunderstood.

But no, the article cautions: be wary of merely taking a date to the movies, because “sitting silently in a theater cuts down on the chance to get to know one another on a deeper level.” Hmmm…maybe these people are really trying to encourage the dating world at large to turn over a new leaf. Of course, I'm skeptical; but maybe I'm wrong. It's often been pointed out to me that I am, and I'm willing to let the webpage guide me. But maybe you can help. What do you think of these helpful suggestions? (I'll be paraphrasing the whole thing, but including particularly valuable quotes.) And by the way: the article is addressed specifically to women, so men, sit back and relax and just wait for one of these to hit you.

--Go to an opera. “If you're concerned about keeping up with the plot, look up the basics of the story online or at the library beforehand,” the article advises. Good advice. Wouldn't want to get to the opera, that YOU suggested, and seem stupid, would you? No, you sure wouldn't, and so the other caveat that goes with this idea is only invite a stupid man on this date with you, so when you're at the opera and his confusion has affected him so much his eyes well up with tears, you can cradle his head reassuringly against your shoulder and say “there, there, let me tell you what's going on,” and from that moment on he will revere you with the devotion normally reserved for mothers, formative-year school teachers, and fantasy role-playing hookers.

--Go to a petting zoo, where you “can feed friendly goats, sheep, and the like, check out cool interactive exhibits, and even pose for a souvenir photo with a harmless snake.” Does this description seem to get a little too specific? I'd try to parody it, but it's already a parody, of sorts. A photo with a “harmless snake”? I guess that's not bad; with a purportedly harmless snake wrapped around your neck, staring into your eyes, somehow smiling at you despite the absence of any lips, the standard fears encountered on a date would probably recede into the background.

--Go eat different courses of a meal at different restaurants, instead of eating all at one restaurant (what they call a “progressive dinner”)

--Go to a baseball game. Simple enough. If tickets are sold out, they recommend you try little league instead, so you can watch angry parents screaming obscenities at little children and be about as turned off as can be from taking part in any kind of romantic coupling.

--Take a class together. “Check the continuing education department at a local college or the Y for classes on everything from cooking to computers.” I'm sure nothing could go wrong with this date. Considering I spent a good majority of my time in school thinking about sex, fiddling uncomfortably with my erection under the desk, I'm sure going back to the classroom under the scrutiny of a woman whom I'm trying to impress would work out great.

--Go hiking. Oh, I really like this one. “Pack up some Power Bars and bottles of water, lace up your sturdiest sneakers or boots, and go for a nature hike,” they advise. A “nature hike.” Hello? Hi, uh…yeah, is, is Gina there? Yeah, hey, what's up, this is Andy. Yeah. Yeah, remember me, we met at the bar last weekend? You didn't think I'd call? Why not? Ha. HA. No, I didn't seem…well, if I…no, or, well I didn't MEAN to, NO, I was TOTALLY interested in you, I was, I was paying lots of attention to what you were saying, please, I'm SO much more attentive than most guys. Ha. Yeah, I had a good time too. I'm not just saying that. So listen, I was calling 'cause…well, I was wondering: would you like to go on a nature hike? Yeah, I was thinking we could get away, and just get outside of the city for a while, and be alone, away from other people, where no one's around to bother us and we could have some privacy. Hello? Hello?

--Go horseback riding. This sounds like a bad idea. “No experience? Not to worry. Just tell the stable staff you're a complete beginner; they'll match you with an especially docile horse and teach you the basics before you set out.” I'm still worried. I'm not getting on a goddamn horse for my first time out with a girl who I am NOT trying to look like a moron in front of, I have enough problems staying upright on my own two feet, and especially docile or not, chances are I'm going off that horse before the day's over, and so in order to prevent myself from standing out and looking completely buffoonish I'd have to make sure that SHE went off the horse too, which would mean sabotaging her saddle, poisoning the horse, or just plain charging her ass, which I could do, you know, but it feels like something that's bound to get messy and in the end best just to avoid altogether.

--Bowling.

--“Join the cultural elite” and go to a museum. And now you get to fight for knowledge. Be careful; this is fertile ground for disagreement. Museums are great, yes, but I have scarce gone to one-and maybe this is just me-with other people, when someone hasn't left the building offended, slighted, or otherwise convinced that someone in the group (me) is a boorish, unidea'd philistine who should be defenestrated from the top floor of the museum. But wait; no. The whole idea of this thing is for people to learn about each other in a deep, real way. Fine. Go ahead. Go to the museum. Pay attention to what you say. See if you can tell the truth.

--Pretend your tourists and do tourist stuff. Although I probably wouldn't do it myself, I can't argue with this one. Just don't forget to remind your date how above it all you really are.

Satisfied? That's right, go out on that date, that real, meaningful interaction between you and someone else who may or may not be special, and learn about the real them, and remember-the version of you they see staring back at them?

That is real. I think.

Oh yeah, you may say, “hey, I was just performing, I was just acting how I should've acted, I just wanted them to like me,” and I certainly can't argue with that, but it's still the real you, the real you performs, the real you just acts how you should act, the real you just wants people to like him or her. The real you is...a coward?

That's okay, though. In fact, things aren't so bad; this way, we can look each other in the eyes, and forgive each other.