The Virtuous Horse Rides the Gold Mountain

My life has changed. I now have a ticking clock. And in six days--October 28--I'll leave work, get in my car and head straight for the Nevada border. I'm a changed man.
I'm excited, all right, I don't need to tell you that, surely you must sense it, sense the fact that things were becoming a little stagnant for me, and now, just KNOWING that some sort of CHANGE is in the works for the near future has brought my spirits up. Because doing something you don't like for a short period of time is one thing. Doing the SAME THINGS, about which you're pretty indifferent, for an indefinite period of time, with no escape looming in the distance, does things to my mind that I don't even want to contemplate, and sure, a comment like that may shed some light on the true level of my maturity, but I don't care...so what, I've got no attention span, and I'm never satisfied with what's in front of me, and I get the feeling sometimes that I'm a little spoiled, and like I said, I can't sit still...worse crimes have been committed. Worse traits have found their way into personalities. Sometimes, even into mine.

So now I feel great, because I know I'm DOING something. And one of the first steps of this something is, I'm taking to my car again. My car, which has sat neglected in my garage--because I take public transportation.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Los Angeles, I'll say that it's notorious for being an automobile city. Because the geography of the place is so spread out, a comprehensive and inclusive public transportation system has been out of the question, and what is available, aside from the buses, are just one subway and three light-rail lines that each cut through the city from one point to another. If you happen to live along one of the routes, great. If not, chances are you don't even know that a Los Angeles train system exists. I live along a route. The subway.

So yes, I take the subway from my apartment to downtown every day and back, I live close to the station and I can walk, don't even need to drive myself to a park-and-ride or take the bus to the station. Lucky me. It's great, because I save time and gas money and am actually playing a part (?) in "reducing the gridlock and dependence on gasoline." This is very nice indeed. But there's something else. People will talk about the social isolation of a million commuters, each sitting alone in their vehicles, shut off from the outside world, going to and from work everyday inside a bubble wth no connection to everyone around them. They talk about the lonliness of it all. And to that I say, well yes, that's true--but as far as I'm concerned the lonliness of driving by yourself in a car doesn't hold a candle to the lonliness of riding the train. When you're in the car, you're alone, yes, but you've got your space that's familiar and comfortable, your possessions, your music, your food and water and anything else you may feel like keeping in there. You can crawl into the back and sleep. You can talk out loud to yourself. You own the space. You may be alone, but you own it. On a train, you own jack shit. You may be around other people, sure, but let me tell you, that's not the same thing as companionship, and let me tell you that I have never seen a group of people less interested to talk to each other, to make eye contact or even to go so far out of the way as to acknowledge each others' existences as I see on that train every day. There's a singular kind of dread that flashes across a train passenger's eyes the moment he or she sees someone making for the empty seat next to them that is incomparable to anything I've experience before--and I find myself wondering, does it flash across my eyes too? After a while you begin to see the same faces, too, and while you'd think that that might eventually lead to something, if nothing more than a smile and a mutual acknowledgment of each others' indentities, instead it forces people out of their way onto different train cars, out of different exits, onto new schedules for the sole purpose of evading the familiar, so no one has to risk the prospect of looking another human being in the face and letting them know that there's something other than a tired, weary and eternally distant commuter behind his own eyes. Shit, there's that person again, better hang back, get on this other car or hide behind this support pillar so we don't have to risk anything. And that's the worst part, that in the end you make an effort to BE nothing, to BE nobody--who, me? Oh, I'm nobody, just goin' to work like everyone else. What do I do again? What exactly was my name?--so that maybe when the train comes you can just jump on and crawl into a hole in the back and disappear in a puff of smoke. And if that's not lonliness, I'm not sure what is. And I'll continue to ride the train, because it just makes more sense, but hey, now when I do get to drive around in my car, I feel like I'm at fuckin' Disneyland.

While at work, out of boredom, I went to a dating website to get the free personality profile I saw advertised. I've never had a personality profile of myself written before--at least not one I got to read--and I was good and ready for it. I signed on with the username "virtuous-horse", because the few things I tried first were already taken and that was what came to mind. The "Virtuous Horse," my friend Gabe the philosophy student once told me, was something David Hume used to illustrate the concept of a Complex Idea (although I'm half-convinced that Gabe invented this himself after a long night of taking pills and staring at his computer screen), and since I sure am the image of extreme complexity myself, well, how fitting. Ha. The virtuous horse rides the gold mountain, Gabe told me with the utmost seriousness. Sure, I thought. So on this dating website, after I filled out a VERY long questionaire, I got a few pages of delicious insight into my very own soul fed back to me in microseconds. Some particularly fascinating excerpts:

--"You have a strong feeling of optimism, considered favorably by most people around you. Your perception is that the bottle is half-full rather than half-empty." Oh, absolutely. You've gotten this impression by now, right? I mean, I know we don't know each other that well and all, but I can never hide my overwhelming optimism that well. Tell me, tell me: when did you first know?

--"You may act on impulse. If someone or something catches your eye, you may act without first checking things out." Fair enough. I've said this, I like change. I'm restless and mercurial. But I at least thought I made an effort to check things out.

--"You have to be with people. This extends into the need to gain popularity, achieve social recognition and influence those people around you." Total bullshit. This statement is false, and it's validity can not at all be argued by introducing the fact that I'm writing this thing to an imaginary audience who doesn't exist and probably probably never will exist.

--"One of your great strengths is your ability to communicate and talk readily. Since all strengths may be overused at times, you may sometimes talk too much. " Me, Andy Hyman, talk too much? ME??? Don't be ridiculous.

--"You are a natural communicator. You love to talk, offer jokes and make sure that everyone is having a good time. This trait is especially evident at functions and outings." As a matter of fact, I love to attend, and am frequently invited to, functions and outings--often mysteriously.

--I seek "as much travel as possible: short trips, long trips and excursions." Mmm-hmm.

--I desire "support of your ideas and dreams." I'm not sure why, but this is the one comment I really feel insulted by--like I just failed a career placement test or something.

--"You are skilled at finding "win-win" solutions when conflicts arise." Or maybe I'm just skilled enough at forming my own notions of what a "win-win solution" is that I can justify most of my pathetic and wormy reatreats from life's little challenges, and still feel good about myself besides.

--"You are usually enthusiastic about activities and planning." It's pointless to elaborate, but this is very wrong.

--And of course my favorite: "You tend to enjoy life and share that enjoyment with others." You see that, people? There's a reason I'm writing this, just as there's a reason you're reading this, and it's not for the precious little pearls of sardonic wisdom I was convinced (or at least seriously hoping) I'm bestowing on you. No, you want to consume my enjoyment of life, just as I want to give it to you, like one monkey eating the parasites off another's scalp. You want to understand the key to my happiness and fulfilment and adopt it as a guide to your own enjoyment. You want to bask in my radiant glow. THAT'S why people can't keep away from me, why they smile the moment my eyes gaze into theirs, why they sweat with frantic glee the second melodious language begins to pour forth from my powerful and intimidating mouth. That's why you can't take your eyes off the page. Shit...I knew I was going to like you. I knew we were gonna' get along well. Now I know it's all thanks to me. Hey, will you hold my hand for a moment? Ascending this pedestal isn't as easy as it looks...

So now I know myself SO much better, and have dually abandoned the notion that a person can be many contradictory things at once--to which I was previously so committed. And I can take this all with me as I begin to prepare for my journey, to join my friend Eliot in Las Vegas and live through and absorb six days of madness that will hopefully change the world. Or at least change me. Because regardless of what the personality profile may say, regardless of what I believe, and what I think I know, there are some things about myself that could use a little improving. No, don't try to contradict me, I'm very flattered but I like to be honest with myself. I want it this way. Moses Josh wants it this way. But at least I know I'm going to do something here. Or maybe fail miserably while trying. But either way, I'll get to see--and maybe that's what I'm looking forward to more than anything. Just a glimpse. The virtuous horse rides the gold mountain. I am the virtuous horse. And I will ride the gold mountain, all the way to....what?

Yesterday I saw an old man pushing another old man down the street in a wheelchair. After a short distance they stopped, the man in the wheelchair got up, and they switched places.